Hope of finding light in the darkness

My name is Kelly. I am a physics student at the OU and volunteer with the Open SU. I sit on the board as a student trustee and represent Physics students at the Physical Sciences Board of Studies.

I am currently 37 years old, and quite frankly, life has been tough! I am the youngest of four and the only girl. My brothers and I share a mother, but I have a different father. I am also part of the LGBTQI+ community, making me somewhat of an outcast in the family. School was a real challenge for me, and I ended up dropping out in Year 10 because I felt I couldn’t cope anymore – there was too much struggling and socialising. I am terrible with people and didn’t really form lasting friendships until I was in my 20s. Even then, they only work because we can go months without talking, and it’s as if no time has passed and no one is upset that it’s been so long.

I have been depressed for most of my life because, unfortunately, life isn’t always kind. I don’t really get along with many people and have had traumatic experiences throughout. However, whenever I see the clouds part and a little sunshine peek through in my life, I try my best to do what people are meant to do.

I work on looking after myself better and trying to get out into the working world, pretty much until my mind breaks and I can no longer keep the mask I have been wearing to appear somewhat normal. That has been my pattern throughout life. A couple of years ago, those clouds parted, but instead of doing what I usually do and waiting for things to fall apart, I took some time to think, ‘Hey, Kel, you can do nothing and rot until you pass, or you can do something. What is it going to be?’

Education popped into my mind, but I didn’t know where to start or what to learn. I found my way to OU and started looking up courses and finding out about finance. I, like many others, signed up for a degree which wasn’t my cup of tea, and changed degrees about a quarter of the way into my first module.

I really had to think about what I wanted to do, which is not something I am used to, but eventually the light bulb above my head flickered. A consistent theme throughout my life has been an interest in space. I have always been so intrigued by everything beyond the rock we call home, which makes sense – I mean, I never really liked being here, lol. So, physics it was, allowing me to learn about astronomy as well as the maths behind what we know so far. Once I changed my degree, I took my first module and loved it. That was the first problem solved; I now had something to keep me busy, and undoubtedly, more than the 6 years you can usually do a degree part-time, because learning how to learn again has been rough.

At some point, rumours circulated about a by-election for the Student Leadership Team with Open SU (formerly known as OU Students Association), and I was a bit intrigued. Gareth Jones, as some of you may have heard, was the Deputy President during the 22–24 term and was kind enough to answer some questions I had about the role and encouraged me to apply. So yeah, I went for it, somewhat impulsively in the end, but hey, I didn’t think I was going to get it anyway.

I did get it! I just had no idea how much my life would change because of it. Firstly, the staff team at Open SU were so supportive; I really didn’t think I was contributing anything, as I’m just drawn to doing things that ultimately help people (I make a rubbish saleswoman, ha-ha).

Michael Jones, Scarlet James and Kelly

I simply gave things a go, and each time the support and encouragement were genuine, which meant the world to me. I then started meeting other volunteers, and I suppose along the way I found my people – friends who lift me up and make me feel capable. Now, don’t get me wrong, I'm a fairly complicated person, and it hasn't been smooth sailing; my mental health has tried to isolate me and push everyone away. Yet here I am, sitting in a study room with those friends, watching them study without knowing why they’ve stayed, but feeling incredibly grateful they have!

Kelly and Jack Flaherty

With their care and friendship, I have been able to seek help for my mental health, and have recently been diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD) and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), along with a suggestion to get an assessment for ADHD. I will also be starting therapy this month, which is incredible because it’s not like I haven’t explored help before; this is just the furthest I’ve ever gone. I have also stayed committed to my education and volunteering, which I honestly don’t think I would have achieved this far without the encouragement I have received.

The OU and Open SU have truly transformed my life for the better. There is still a long way to go, but every day I am learning, improving, and generally becoming a somewhat better person along the way. So, to conclude this little love letter to OU, Open SU, and the friends who continue to put up with me, I love you! Thank you for showing me that a life worth living is out there.

Kelly (on the right) taking part at the Open SU Welcome Week Fair.