A reason to stay

Born in Cardiff in 92,

On my father’s birthday too.

Early days are blurred and grey,

But bits and pieces find their way.

We hadn’t much, but we got by,

With second hand dreams and hopes held high.

Had what I needed, not what I craved,

But love and lack both shaped the brave.

Mum and dad in pubs each night,

I’d wait in the car beneath dim lights.

A middle child, not first, not last,

A quiet kid who learned too fast.

By ten years old, the dark set in,

A storm began beneath my skin.

Didn’t know the words or why,

Just wished each day that I could die.

The teenage years brought darker scenes,

My mother lost inside her dream.

At fifteen, phone in shaking hands,

Ambulance call and siren bands.

By twenty, joy came back at last,

A fleeting break from shadowed past.

But fate was cruel, my dad fell ill,

A heart attack, my world stood still.

He didn’t make it, he was gone,

And I was left to carry on.

No tears, no grief, no time to fall,

Just stood straight up and faced it all.

For mum, my sis, I stayed so strong,

But numbing the pain don’t take long.

I found the drink, it dulled the ache,

And alcohol kept my heart awake.

From morning light, to midnight’s call,

I drank, I fell, I lost it all.

Then tragedy struck once again,

My sister gone, just twenty-five then.

Within a year my world had gone,

My father, my sister, both withdrawn.

And mum has lost her loves the same,

The house grew still, I took the blame.

The bottle deeper, nights grew black,

I tried to leave, but kept coming back.

Pills and blades and ropes that failed,

Yet somehow through, my heart prevailed.

I sought out help, begin to mend,

With meds and talk and some true friends.

A slow climb up from shadows shore,

To learn to live a bit once more.

At thirty, I was on my own,

A life confined within my home.

Anxiety, my daily fight,

A war that kept me up at night.

The voices came, so cruel, unkind,

Whispered lies inside my mind.

“You’re weak,” they said, “just end it all,

No one would care if you should fall.”

Four months locked inside my fears,

Drowning deep in silent tears.

But therapy called, I tried again,

And this time healing did begin.

By thirty-two, a vision clear,

To help the men who disappear.

Not from the world, but from their soul,

To show them hope can make them whole.

So I applied, I took the stand,

To study minds, to lend a hand.

To make a change, to be the light,

For those still lost in endless night.

Now thirty-three, I’ve found my way,

Still working hard, most every day.

Ten years behind those prison walls,

Where broken men make hopeful calls.

Two years of study, dreams reborn,

Through pain and loss, a purpose formed.

I’ve met some souls who’ve changed me too,

In way they’ll never quite construe.

So hear me now, through dark and rain,

Through fear, through loss, through all your pain.

No matter how the night may fall,

There is a reason behind it all.

There’s light ahead, though faint, it gleams,

A fragile spark that fuels your dreams.

You are enough, don’t drift, don’t hide,

The world is better with you inside.