What should I do today? I could go for a walk, but that would mean leaving the house though, plus people are outside the house, and you know how you feel about people. I guess turn on the Xbox and waste your day playing video games, before watching something comforting and nostalgic, whilst eating something bad for you that’s easy to make, then struggle to get to sleep and start the ordeal again tomorrow.
That was my daily routine for many years: sit in front of a TV all day and waste away the hours, as the outside world seemed like too much effort. It wasn’t always this way, though. I was productive once, trying to take part in society, going to new places, meeting people, enjoying new experiences, all whilst not feeling like I wanted to hide away.
What happened? I guess it was when my dad passed away suddenly 15 years ago. I was trying to do things, I was bettering myself, and then, like a brick wall, it hit, and this darkness entered my life slowly. I was a gig photographer and enjoyed traveling around with my wife, seeing bands and hanging out with friends. But over time, this became less, and I became less interested. I just wanted to stay in and play online. I’m still talking to friends, so at least I’m social. Kinda.
How bad could it be? Well, I entered a depression, I tried to get help, but grievance counselling only lasted a session and then I could get a few more sessions, but it meant traveling, and I had to pay, and it felt like all I could talk about was the grief and loss and not about my life in general. My brain wouldn’t stop, I couldn’t sleep, so I played games, watched films and stayed indoors. I was isolating before COVID and long after, and I just got fatter and more depressed until I just became numb.
So what happened? We were forced to move home, and that helped perk me up. I felt more active, but it didn’t last. I settled into old routines and stayed indoors. It was the same, but just different. I was lacking motivation. But it wasn’t the end.
A wake-up call happened. I had friends who I’d met online come and visit, so I was forced to go out to visit the city I live in, Birmingham. It meant walking across town, something I’d done many times 15 years before, no issues, but this time it was hard. I was hot and sweaty within minutes, and after eventually walking across town I couldn’t cool down. I was soaking, eventually we headed home, and a few days later, I felt awful. I had caught a chest infection from walking across town in the middle of winter in just a t-shirt, as I was so hot walking that I had taken my coat off. I felt awful. I knew something had to change dramatically.
Turning over a new leaf. So I decided to change, my sister told me about the Open University, something I recall our mum had done when I was younger. It was something I knew about, but had never thought to do something about. How could this work? I went to a brick uni and dropped out when I was younger. I just couldn’t handle it. I looked deep into it, obsessing and then bam, I found it! I can do it, I can have a second chance, I can get that degree and sort my life out. So I made an effort to do that, I enrolled, I went back to the doctor and wanted some help with my mental health (I hadn’t been to a doctor in years before my chest infection, hiding away and just taking my repeat prescriptions), I was referred to the mental health team, determined to get counselling and work through my issues.
I ended up speaking to a lovely woman with whom I went through the depression and anxiety questionnaire with. “yeah it seems you could use some counselling, but from what I’ve listened to, have you ever thought you may have ADHD?” I thought my sister has it, but I can’t have it, can I? We did the preliminary screener, and she said: “yeah I think you should get checked for ADHD”. I spent ages obsessing over this, researching ADHD, and it all made sense, months later I got the diagnosis, and it felt like such a relief. Its why I’m like the way I am, it makes sense. It doesn’t define me, but it helps to explain me. So now with a goal of uni, a diagnosis of ADHD, I had some things sorted, I needed to get active and lose some weight.
So I decided to try the weight loss drugs, it seemed great, and I could definitely see the appeal as my food noise was gone, I felt full. The problem was, I know what I’m like, I will continue to eat rubbish and not change and just be poorer each month. So I stopped, and my wife and I changed the food we bought, we calorie counted, and we started doing light exercise in the house, with a foot pedal and Apple Fitness, and it worked!
It’s been a year now since I started my new leaf, and I feel much better in myself. I’m not fully over my depression and anxiety, but I’m getting there. I’m medicated for ADHD now, and I think it’s helping. I definitely feel like I have more energy and I didn’t fall asleep over Christmas break during the afternoons like normal. I’ve continued to eat better, and whilst exercise got less over Christmas, it’s now got more, and I’m actually leaving the house and walking each day. I’m also 7 stone lighter! Add to all this the amazing first year at the OU I’ve had, I’m getting good grades, I’m really enjoying my modules, I’ve met and helped many amazing people, I’ve helped in setting up a Politics, International Relations and Policy Society (OUPIPS), I’ve volunteered for the Student Union at a graduation event and I’ve been trying like crazy to do more volunteering so I can help other students as I really feel happy when I’m helping others.
This journey has only just started, and for once, I’m excited to see where it will go, so take it from me, things do get better, just keep swimming and look after yourself. Thanks for reading my story, peace and love!
